What's your favorite disguise? [/meta]
posted by letter shredder @ 11:59 a.m. on 1/20/2006
"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love..."
-- Lester Bangs, Almost Famous
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Right now, nagpapakalunod ako sa cd ng Gin Blossoms… and I did after watching My Sassy Girl (birthday present from Kirk!), haaaay…saan ba nakakahanap ng mga ganun kabait na mga lalake?
Classic na babae: demanding, hormonal, fickle-minded, short-tempered, high-maintenance.
Ayan na, Till I Hear it From You…
From the observations of a few people who really know me…or who thought they know me…
Dadu: he said he can’t imagine me getting married because he thinks I never really get serious on certain things. The irony is…he confides to me! Sabi din ni Alloy, hindi raw ako ‘yung mukhang naninigarilyo dahil mukha raw akong mabait, pero matapang.
Almi: Gusto n’ya raw akong makitang umiiyak, kasi lagi n’ya raw akong nakikitang tumatawa. ‘Wag kang mag-alala, bebi, mukhang malapit na… sabi pa ni Bebi, ang boyfriend ko raw mukhang totropahin ko lang at ako ‘yung tipong mang-a-under…
Mamoo: She said she gets mad at Dadu whenever the latter says he can’t picture me getting married. She said in her letter she sees me nursing and raising my children, including making love… CREEPY! Mamoo even told me na ang taray ko. Seriously, I am not aware na mataray ako. Syempre, may tinatarayan talaga ako, pero often, hindi ko sinasadya.
Isa: She said I’m complex… The first time she told me that, we were shopping for earrings… window-shopping. She said she wonders how I play Tekken at arcades and at the same time join her shop for earrings. The second time she told me that, we were in Libis, ipinasyal namin ‘yung Jansport bag ni Kate.
Oman: Hindi raw ako intimidating para sa kanya, pero matapang ang mukha ko. When we go to the malls, he feels off when we go to lady boutiques, kaya ako ‘yung kasama ni Oman ‘pag bumibili ng cap, and he really assumes that I can’t go to stalls like Bayo and Kamiseta. I don’t want to be with him when I go there, anyway…
Clefarie: She describes me as hard outside, but passionate inside. If someone doesn’t know me at all, sabi niya, I can intimidate that person… pero if the person gets to know me more… malalaman niya kung gaano ako kagulo at kung paano ako malungkot.
Before we went to our place in Cavite (Ahhhh… Tagaytay!), I was happy then. I was really happy. I was quite contented on how my life goes, wala masyadong problema. Then nung, hot seat, the mind-blowing (an understatement) question was: Who is Jaycee behind the laughing façade?
Nakakatawa. Akala ko you saw me weak when I cried once because of that “friend” who left. Sabi nyo naman, magaling akong magdala ng problema. I knew by then that you knew how sad I was, hindi ko lang talaga trabahong magmukmok. By then, gumagawa ako ng paraan kung paano ko palalakihin ang mundo ko. Kasi lately, nagiging claustrophobic na yata ako. Tapos noon, na-realize kong ‘yung mga taong pinahahalagahan ko, wala na pala.
That I should start learning on my own. I was very independent, pero I planned my future with them. I included them. Which was wrong.
‘Yung masayang Jaycee, ayokong isipin n’yong façade lang ‘yun. it was one of my many facets. Aspects. Yun din ‘yung nakita kong mali sa mga kaibigan kong lalake eh, hindi kasi nila nakita kung paano ako umiyak. At kung paano ako mamrublema. Nakita lang nila akong umiyak dahil sa sobrang galit at ‘yung times na inakala nilang si Oman ‘yung dahilan kung bakit ako umiiyak. Madalas kasi kaming mag-away ni Oman dati, dahil sa insecured n’yang girlfriend. I still hate her!
Right now, I just want to have a male mentor. Friendship is a commitment. Gusto ko, someone pesters me even at the most unlikely hours. Syempre, yung pwede ko ring pestehin. May pupunta sa apartment para lang manood ng movie, kahit kumain lang ng ice cream. Maglalaro lang kami ng Tekken maghapon. O kaya long-drive trips. ‘yung kahit kami lang ang magkasama eh, hindi kami magkakasawaan. Yung pwede kong iyakan kapag nagbreak kami ng boyfriend ko. Yung pupunta sa bahay para mag-confide sa lovelife n’ya. Yung malakas ang loob na sabihin kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, kung ano ‘yung dapat kong baguhin. Mas naa-appreciate ko ‘yung mga kaya akong pagalitan. Pero ‘yung tipong papagalitan ako for my sake and not just for the fun of scolding someone. Gusto ko, pwede kong makalaro ng basketball, makasama mag-jog. Kahit magpalipad ng saranggola. Gusto ko kasama ko siyang maglaro ng remote-controlled na big foot. Kahit matulog together. Gusto ko, tanggap niya kung gaano ako kalakas tumawa, kung gaano ako kagulo. I want someone who sees how strong I am and how vulnerable I can be. I want someone who will recognize and appreciate the child in me.
Gusto ko kasama ko ‘yung someone na ‘yun til I get old, not necessarily magkasama kami sa bahay o kailangang malapit mga bahay namin. Basta ganun kami kalapit, pero still, we wouldn’t want to end up together…
Kaya yata hindi ko ini-entertain ‘yung thought ng pagkakaroon ng boyfriend, kasi gusto ko, mahanap ko muna ‘yung male mentor ko…
Pero mas madali talagang bumili ng yacht kesa sa humanap ng boyfriend at male mentor eh…
This is probably utopia. My utopia. Kaya ngayon, I would really appreciate someone who’ll tell me I’m living in a dream… Please explain it well.