What's your favorite disguise? [/meta]
posted by letter shredder @ 11:59 a.m. on 1/20/2006
"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love..."
-- Lester Bangs, Almost Famous
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Statement of Assets and Liabilities [Pasintabi sa kumakain…]
Itong mga oras na ito eh napagdesisyunan kong simulan ang assignment ko sa Journ 121. Pero heto ako, gumagawa na naman ng kabalbalan… Matapos kong ihanda ang aking sarili sa isa na namang madugong bakbakan sa harap ng computer [natawagan ko na ang Red Cross para sa aking naghihingalong article], eh kinareer ko muna ang mga kaisipang pilit bumabagabag [???] sa aking kalooban.
Para sa hindi nakababatid, ang mga sumusunod ay pawang may katotohanan, kahit gaano man naisin ng mga taong yan na tumanggi. Ganito ko kayo kamahal…
Ang pagkakasunud-sunod ay batay lamang sa pagkakaayos sa block picture sa AS steps at hindi dahil sa nauna ko silang naisip. At hindi ako defensive, ‘di ba?
Lawrence—the [w]rapper, hindi lahat ng block eh maswerte na magkaroon ng isang member na kamukha, kasing-ngiti actually, ni Carlos Agassi at na-canonize sa Rome. Carlaws!!! Here we go! Here we go!Pizza, pasta, chicken…
Cleng—ang "Putik Queen." Ang favorite song niya ay “Ikakasal Ka Na” ni Jessa Zaragoza. Mahilig sa coffee [hmm…] at madalas niyang pangaraping isa siyang singer na nagpe-perform ng “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Sa kanya nagmula ang pinakamatibay na pantali sa buhok na ginagamit ko—ang strap ng kanyang bra.
Kate—kung may isa mang makakabasa ng nasasaisip ko, siya na ‘yun. Itong partner kong Bushwacker ang madalas kong kabangagan at malas ng sinumang kakausap sa amin ‘pag magkasama kami. Siya rin ang takot sa Sto. Niño dahil may dala raw itong detonator. Siya rin ang founder ng Simangismo—ang mga paniniwala ng mga fans ni Simang. Siya rin ang santa ng mga walang lead [catchy, first sentence ng isang article] kaya abangan ang kanyang rebulto sa window ng Journ department, College of Mass Communication, UP Diliman. Just what do you mean when you said you stopped doing Noynoy Aquino?
Melodie—ang tagapagdala ng panutsa. Isa siya sa mga bumuo ng manual ng mga taga-Batangas ukol sa lihim na relasyon. Isa siya sa mga magaling tumakas at magpalusot. Kung wala siya, wala akong pwedeng i-blackmail na kahawig ni Carol Banawa. Asan na ba si Dante?
Limee—patunay na ang mga katipunera ay hindi lamang nabuhay nung panahon ni Bonifacio. Siya ang tanda na nasa tabi-tabi lang si Jeng.
Venus—siya ang madalas kong tuksuhin kay Lawrence [peace, mga mare]. Dahil madalas ay kaklase ko siya, isa siya sa mga nagtitiis sa mga hirit ko.
Therese—siya ang nagbigay solusyon kung paano ko lulusutan ang College Secretary. Ang dati kong rason na ayaw ko sa professor ay pinalitan niya ng, “Sabihin mo may gusto sa ’yo si Sir.” For that, nabawasan ang mga problema ko.
Albert—paano ba naman makalilimutan ang blackhead, este blockhead? Sa kanya ko nakita kung paano maglakad ang isang taong galing sa hazing nang makita kong pasa-pasa ang katawan niya after ng streetdance at kung paano siya humawak sa railings upang makalakad. Correction, nakita ko sa kanya ang isang lalaking na-hazing nang bagong binyag [yung second binyag ng mga lalake].
Jeng—isa sa mga kachikahan ko sa Smallville. Siya rin ang inaabangan kong magsalita ‘pag galit. Siya ang tanda na nasa tabi-tabi lang si Limee.
Hannah—ang sugo ni Martha Cecilia. Kung may na-miss kang basahin sa series ng nasabing author, siya na ang hanapin mo.
Wendi—ang tagabili ng aking vitamins—KASOY! Magkasama kaming nagmarunong nang kunin namin ang PolSci 14 nung freshmen pa kami. Palawendi…
Jobert—kung wala siya, wala akong maisusulat sa liabilities.
Tin—isa sa mga nagmaster sa paghawak ng megaphone. Isa sa mga humihingi ng konsultasyon. Kung hindi ka nakasama sa rally at kailangan mo ng article about it, sa kanya ka na lang pumunta.
Melay—mahilig sa seminarista,ever willing mag-donate ng lungs. At ang paborito niyang kanta ay ang “Ben” ni… [pasalamat ka hindi ko alam pangalan ng girlfriend nun]. Sa kanya gumagana ang “tara, McDo tayo” powers ko.
Julie—kung lunch time eh nawawala ako, si Kate, si Cleng at si Melay, andun kami sa bahay nina Julie—nagpi-PC [pancit canton]. Maraming willing siyang ihatid pauwi lalo na kung 5:30 na ng hapon at hindi pa nakakauwi upang manood ng Meteor Garden.
Yen—ang Marcova ng block. Hanep sa powers. Gumagamit ng Axe floral na aerosol at Clean and Clear foundation for men.
Kat—ang historian ng block. Kung may balak ka ring magpa-carbon dating, sa kanya ka lumapit.
Aimee—ever blooming ang love life, ma-appeal lalo na sa mga crime beat reporters sa Crame.
John—pinakamahirap awayin. Pag ginawa mo ‘yun, ang pagbukas ng iyong mga mata ay nangangahulugan ng kamatayan. Makikita mo ang kanyang pagmumukha sa EDSA, sa dyaryo at maging sa t.v. Siya yung lalaking nakabuka ang bibig habang nakatingin sa cellphone sa ad ng Globe. Siya rin yung nasa ad ng AMA, hindi ‘yung tatay ni Judy Ann, hindi rin yung robot. Isa siya sa mga nakaupo sa couch na naglalaro ng playstation.
Tet—kung katawan lang ang pag-uusapan, siya na ‘yung kinaiinggitan ng lahat. Kung kailangan mo ng kausap about anime, nakahanap ka na ng katapat mo.
Isa—repressed kuno. Depress pala. Siya ang coñong fan ng Meteor Garden at ni Martha Cecilia. Huwag mong gagalitin kung ayaw mong magawan ng article sa Philippine Collegian. Bida rin siya sa internet dahil siya yung naghahanap ng liquid soap sa mga c.r. ng UP.
Almi—siya ang punong patnugot ng manual ng mga taga-Batangas. Idol ni Melodie. Ang baby ng block na nauna pa sa Mamoo at sa Elder na magkaroon ng boyfriend. Marami na siyang friends sa Infirmary.
Cyril—si Mulan. Kaya niyang magsulat ng nobela sa isang ¼ sheet na papel. Sa likod ng papel na yun, may 2nd book ka na dahil ang sulat niya ay kasing liit ng mga mata niya. Medyo antukin kaya laging pikit sa mga pictures.
Val—ang Christina Aguilera ng block. Madaling makilala, hanapin ang pumapalantik na mga daliri habang ang mga kamay ay tuwid na tuwid sa kanyang gilid.
Cathy—siya si “ganda” sa buhay ni Val. Si Val, ano kaya sa buhay niya? Ganda rin?
Jay—si Piolo Contis ng block. Laging mabango.
Alloy—ang official Dadu ng block. Si Fishda. Sa kanya ko natutunan ang silbi ng speed dial sa cellphone. Hanapin nyo siya at magpaturo, tiyak na dadali ang [sex] life mo.
Stephen—kung nais mo ng fratman na boyfriend, siya ang hanapin. Marami siyang kilala. Siya ang kalaban ko sa “Tic Tac Toe Open Cup” every Friday, ‘pag hindi namin maintindihan ang palabas sa film class.
Jobert—wala lang akong masabi eh. Bida ka naman dahil binara ka ni Cheche Lazaro. Napakaswerte mo!!!
Hindi ko alam kung tama ang ginawa kong paglalagay ng tag board sa aking blog, dahil sigurado, pagkabasa nito, nangangati na ang mga kamay nila na gumanti at sasakit na ang aking mga mata sa pagbasa ng mga PASASALAMAT mula sa mga taong nabanggit.
A Yeban would always be a Yeban.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
It does not only rain outside…I’m awake...
It’s 3am. It’s raining outside. Sooner or later more people would surely notice it. They would soon be awake. They would probably just find out through the wet pavement. Or through the colder breeze their body would eventually feel… Sooner or later.
Thunderstorms are out. But they may also be in. I wish the former and the latter are just the same. But some things are really meant to be different. The latter is more difficult to deal with.
An inner struggle.
Right now, I can hardly notice anything. I want to pay all my attention to myself. I think I deserve it. Coz many times I hardly did. I cared more for other people. To the extent of jeopardizing my own emotions.
And I ended this way. Hurting. Still hurting.
For once I just have to admit to myself—I am not happy.
I thought I was happy. For every time I see my friends and other people, I can easily laugh. The laughter that can make me lose my eyes. But not my sight.
I did not want to become like this. I guess some people wouldn’t also want to. At least to those who cared? If there are any.
I’m no longer sure if there are any.
Sad. But true.
I can still feel that there are still many. And I love them all. I just wish there are more. And the ones I really care for.
Right now I almost feel empty. Well… almost. I just wish I were empty. It might be better. If it were the next best thing, I’d rather be it.
I want to feel the presence of many people. People I cared for. Still care for. They are close, yet so far. I tried ways to let them know I miss them. But they didn’t seem to notice. I wonder if they even cared to notice.
Fear prevails. Afraid to find out that no one else really cares.
I have placed a wall around me. A thick wall. One that would protect me.
From hurting more.
I slowly detach myself from other people. I come near them. But still inside that wall. And I cannot really give them who I really am. For I feel that the real me has been rejected many times before.
The only people who can make me cry are the ones I care for. Staying inside the wall may mean lesser people to care for. Less people to care for means lesser pain.
I wish all this would soon end. I wish I do not end up wishing anymore.
People don’t really run out of choices. It’s just that the available choices are difficult to accept. And more difficult to ignore.
Crying would probably lessen the pain. It won’t definitely ease the pain.
I just want to cry.
I just want to have one who would sit next to me and would care to listen.
He does not have to answer. Just the fact that he cared to listen means a lot.
But it would be best to find someone who would cry for me.
Sometimes letting go is the only way to move forward.
Easier said than done.
I cannot move forward.
Because I have not let go.
Can I just move forward without actually letting go?
Many times I’ve said I’m callous to pain. Just as many times I proved myself wrong.
No one gets insensitive to pain…
One only gets used to it. But that does not mean he cannot feel it.
Pain seems to come ignorable. But it actually doesn’t.
What else can make me cry?
I’m afraid to find it out myself…
Here I am…
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Beating the Red light
Many times I wonder why I have not fallen for anyone. The last crush whom I could tell anyone was when I was in fourth year high school. Well, I’m also attracted to some guys in UP but I can hardly describe them because the feeling was not more than the mere attraction.
Crush ko ‘pag nakikita ko lang.
On schooldays, I usually find the company of four friends. Si A, formalities na lang ang kulang. Si B, on the stage of diverting attention on other guys. Si C, driven ngayon to achieve her own goals. Si D, nasa stage na kalimutan ang ex na magulo ang utak. As in.
All of them have fallen in love… when we talk about falling, I can hardly speak of anyone or anything. Yan yung mga araw na naglalaglagan kami at nagiging philosophical. Pero after every conversation, babagsak kami sa pagiging ma-drama.
Sabi ko dati, sana magka-prospect na ako. Sabi naman ni B, kung yun lang din ang gusto ko, yung reciprocated na yung hilingin ko. Siguro nga… I agree that it is not easy to fall in love. Lalong hindi kung unrequited.
Pero kahit na masakit, masarap din naman, ‘di ba?
What I want is to experience those feelings that were once familiar to me… well, at least three years ago. I miss the days when I’m eager to see one particular person. It was funny then because I didn’t have to tell some people who he was.
My eyes were enough to speak for me.
Basta iba yung aura ko. Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko. At nararamdaman ko. Those were the days na I would want to spend all my time for school. At kinikilig ako ‘pag nakikita ko ang kumag! Eh ‘di lalo na ‘pag tabi kami ng upuan. At lalo na ‘pag magkausap na kami, kami na lang ‘yung magkausap.
Pakshet! Kelan ba ako huling kinilig?
There were days na lumalapit siya. At nakatingin na lahat ng classmates ko. Kasing haba na ng EDSA ang buhok ko! At halos patayin na ako ng mga kaklase kong may crush din sa kanya. One time nga, wala kaming teacher kaya classmate ko lang ang magrereport, umupo siya dun sa vacant seat sa tabi ko. Halos patayin na ako sa tingin nung reporter sa class. It was one lucky day!
Another kilig event… I had a partner in Research class who happens to be a guy. The teacher asked us to pass separate papers. I reasoned na it was useless since isa lang naman laman ng papers namin.
At ang hirit ko sa teacher, “Sir, conjugal property ‘yan!”
Nagtanong si Sir, ”Why? Are you conjugates?”
At ang kumag ang sumagot, “Hindi!”
Ang lakas ng sagot! To the extent na tumingin lahat sa kanya ang mga classmates ko. And after looking at him, they looked at me.
Well, nahila ko siya sa bull session dati. Ako lang yung babae dun sa session. Which is not really new since I usually hang out with guys during break time.
After we graduated, wala na rin yung feelings. What I have for him is what I have for the other guys who have been really close to me.
Last February pa, nagtigil ako sa bahay nila. Ininwan ako ng pinsan niya sa kanila kasi hahakutin pa ‘yung mga gamit para sa practice ng banda.
I stayed with his family at around 7pm till 10:30pm. His whole family was there then. Usap kami ng ate niya. Nalaman kong he irons his hair. At ang lakas ko talaga sa Nanay nun!
“Jaycee, kumain ka na ba? Dito ka na matulog sa amin.”
I have to suppress my grin. Sasagot sana ako, “Eh tabi po ba kami ng anak ninyo?”
And I remember, nung fourth year eh pinagalitan siya ng Nanay niya dahil hindi niya ako pinadalhan ng mangga. Until now, natatawa pa rin ako.
Tapos ngayon, iba na ang drama ko…
Kasi may prospect na nga ako. I could fall for this guy. At ayokong mangyari yun. We happen to be in the same college. At classmate ko pa sa Film class!
Right now, malabo pa naman. I can say I like him…which is bad.
Because almost everything begins with liking!
Kahapon naman, I saw him pero wala namang epekto. Meron lang akong urge na batiin siya.
I’m not really certain. Basta ngayon, I have to beat the Red light!
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
For the boys... whom I thought were mine...
When was the last time that we sat and talked together?
When was the last time you played the guitars and I sang with you?
Did we ever have the chance to watch a movie together as a group?
I miss you, guys…
I really do.
The last time we spent time together was last March, Shayne’s debut. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Not because of the party but of the time we spent with each other after the celebration. Bangag!
I cannot forget the flowers that you gave me while I was singing “Stay” during the party. Ang lakas ng trip ninyo! But I really appreciated it. I was not the celebrator but you gave me enough attention. Oman, I give the credits to you. For that, I would like to thank the hired band--that was never better than a videoke machine that’s why we had to take over. If not for your questionable talent, I will not have the chance to sing many times that night!
Prior to that party, I had so much fun when we had some sessions to plan for the debut. RJ, when you asked me to sing “My Immortal,” before we learned what it meant, I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know you trust me that much. I didn’t know you believed in me.
I didn’t know. Coz you didn’t let me know.
Or am I just assuming too much? The invitation was probably just presented because you had no other choices.
I... whom you can ask right away.
I... who can never say no.
I… who cares for Shayne.
Ako na nga lang ba ang natitira?
During the first Saturday that we were suppose to have the practice, I never thought I’d be with all of you. I was the only female with you. We were at your house and you cared to join me wherever you wanted to go. You even drove me home. I sang songs that you wanted me to sing. Songs I wanted to sing. Especially “The Dance” by Barbie’s Cradle.
I saw all of you. Literally. And from another point of view.
Was it just because two years in college changed a part of me?
I beg to disagree.
You treated me equally. But with respect.
I had all the attention. Even if the moment was not for me. We were preparing for someone else. Someone probably more important.
Someone definitely more important.
I was never the damsel in distress. I’ve always been one of the boys. A cowboy.
An absolute meantime girl.
I preferred to be like that. I wanted you to see me that way.
You know that I am always there whenever you need me. You know I am always ready to listen. Eager to help. One who’d cry for you.
Pero bakit hindi ko naramdaman na ganun din kayo sa ’kin?
I am not expecting anything in return. I made myself believe so. I am not asking you to promise. Coz promises are made to be broken.
Friday before the “big day,” we had another chance to spend time together. This time, all were not present. But I enjoyed it. Lesser people means closer rapport. I have not slept properly for a month due to my mid-term exams and papers that had to be passed. I was really exhausted but I tried to get there because I wanted to see you again.
I was able to spend quality time with the family of my high school crush. (Giggles!) His mom even offered me to sleep there because it was late.
I wanted to ask kung tabi kami ng anak nila… (Grin.)
Later, we spent time rehearsing. For a long time I have not sang.
At around 2:00 am, we decided to go somewhere else to eat. We were all tired then. And hungry. Thank you for the treat. Alan, I remembered that CPA again! Chicken Pork Adobo!!!
RJ, you even told me, “Wag magmumura,” in a very polite way. That made me care for you more. Coz only few do that. Only few had the guts. And I like it when someone reminds me what not to do. And what I ought to do.
Wala kasi akong kuya… my biggest frustration.
After eating, we talked about some plans for the summer. That long-drive trip. The reunion that you guys would arrange.
One thing that I can never forget was when RJ told me na okay akong kasama. You never thought someone as “cautious” as me would dare join you even in the most unlikely hours.
Tama ba ang akala ko?
At around 4:00 am, we returned to the house. Alan slept on the mat. You let me enjoy the bed. Alone. I was the princess! Kaya lang, bakit wala akong unan?
At 5:00 am, I woke up and sang for the last few times. Later that day we had to present ourselves in the most decent ways! It was 6 am when you drove me home.
I was so sleepy but I didn’t tuck myself. I want to spend another hour with you.
One thing that I cannot comprehend is that why am I not suppose to tell anyone that you drove me home. As usual, may magagalit na naman.
Bakit ba lagi na lang may nagagalit?
I cannot blame you, though. Maybe if I get myself into a relationship, I would understand. Perfectly understand.
Paano naman kung ako yung meron, at kayo yung wala? Ano kaya ang gagawin ko? Ano kaya ang mararamdaman n’yo?
Definitely, I won’t give you up.
I would introduce him to you and let him know you. That he must not worry even if I sleep with you again. I hope he understands.
I am not asking you to promise me anything. I just want to spend time with you again. All of you. Coz I never did since you had your significant others.
All I want is for you to make me feel that you are there as I am always here for you.
Is that too much?
Miss ko na kayo…
Kelan ba tayo pwedeng mag-jamming ulit?
Kelan tayo pwedeng mag-Tapsilog ulit?
Promises are made to be broken...
I have no idea if you would still bother to read this after the meeting yesterday.
It has definitely done something good. It has put some sense to both of us. I know that early yesterday, you have thought that you would never compromise yourself to anything or to anyone you barely know. Ever. That was the best thing that I can comprehend.
As for me…it was one ego-shattering experience. Ego-shattering is actually an understatement. You have a funny definition of love. And an even funnier way of showing it.
I’ve never been in love. You spoke of it better than I do.
But if that is love…to hell with it!
You spoke of it in a very ideal way. Ideal that it was magical. Brilliant but scary. But everyway you defined it was justified by the way you said you were about to show it. And the actual day that you were about to do so.
It is not because love is bad and the captivating feelings are impossible.
It is because what you had was not love.
I know you will agree with that. You also want to. Even if you don’t, you’d force yourself to do so.
You have no idea how sensitive I am. I have felt your indifference right from the start. Only the insensitive could miss the meaning of your actions. Or even the insensitive could not have missed it.
Pardon but I think it was you who didn’t read mine.
My mistake was I didn’t ask you if we should still push with the plan when I’ve felt your indifference right from the very start. I did not know how. I wouldn’t have liked it either if I did not give it a shot. And I was also afraid that you would have cancelled it there and then.
We had so many “dead air.” I was trying to make the conversation work but you weren’t. Admit it. Even just the conversation. Communication could be linear. But our situation called for a two. Yung reciprocated. Friendship, or any relationship, is a two-way traffic. At least two, depending on the number of parties involved.
After the movie, your excuse that your mom was asking you to go home was not so effective. Kalahati na yata ng populasyon ang gumamit ng alibi na yan!
That excuse confirmed everything that I was thinking. Any polite way that you want to hint the exit was not effective. At least with me.
Your mouth speaks so well but your eyes cannot hide what’s inside.
It takes one to know one, young man!
Ang reason ko naman—if it has to end, it better be soon. The meeting closed gestalts. The open gestalts. Even personal ones. Whatever your reasons are, I already have ideas of them. You just confirmed them.
Thanks for that.
About that “goodnight” text, when I asked you if goodnight is the euphemism of goodbye, I want its meaning clear. Meaning is relative. We have different contexts of that word. And for the kind of person that I am, one who keeps people, I’d rather have the chances of having “all” or “nothing.” And that would depend on how you want it.
I don’t know if this letter is making sense to you. But it does to me.
I do not want to explain further. I know that you have ways of reading in between the lines.
I will just repeat this to you—wag kang mangangako ng isang bagay na hindi mo kayang tuparin. Kahit saang sitwasyon mo yan ilagay, may aasa.
Kaya may nasasaktan.
At marami pa ang pwedeng masaktan.
I told you I would hold on to that. I admit I did.
I am sorry for this letter. But I don’t regret sending it to you.
I am not expecting any reply from you. But I hope you do, if possible every line that you want to react to.
I hope that you do not use the term love in the same sense next time.
Never dedicate songs lest you mean them. Lest you are sure of offering them and whom you’d want them offered.
The good songs should never be associated to bad memories. Kahit na doon pa sila nanggaling. Especially the ones that you have appreciated all your life.
Dahil marami ka pang pwedeng makilala na tulad ko.
I am not expecting that sembreak trip nor the visits to UP. Wala na rin sigurong susunod. They were some of the things you told me you were sure of. And they were the ones I’ve always made clear to you every time we talk. Coz it just turned out that you weren’t really sure.
At yang pagiging sigurado mo ang kinatatakutan ko…
The fear that I have always told you…
I would name that fear—REJECTION.
Never is a promise.
A letter for a lost friend...
Hello! You are probably in HK by the time u read this. Well, I made this the night you told me you were leaving. I just want to tell you a few things. They may not be significant to you but I still hope you get to read them…
I was really surprised when you said you were leaving. To be honest, I never expected that my heart could beat that fast for a reason I certainly do not know. Fear? Sadness? Bombshell? I do not know… but I wish I do. ‘Tomorrow or on Sunday’ was very striking. The more ‘staying there for good’ is.
You got me crying there and then, young man. Crying for me is such a big thing. I have cried for myself, for other people. More or less, a thousand times. And I have mentioned to you before that the ones who could only make me cry are the ones I care for. The most.
Sorry if I am over reacting… a spur of the moment. I even had the idea that it seems funny to you. I’m sorry because right now, while I am typing this letter, I can say that the feeling has just partially subsided. And I have no idea when will it fully end. I am sorry for this might upset you… I really have no idea how you will feel about this.
I am sorry... but I do not regret telling them.
You probably have the idea that I care for you a lot. I have mentioned a lot of times that I do. But as I look at it, the way you shut me off earlier, you are totally clueless of what I really have for you. I think, I also am. But whatever it is, I just hope you appreciate it. That would somehow make me happy. Somehow because it cannot completely make me happy. At least right now.
I wanted to talk to you. I just want to hear your voice because the moment you step out the country, the possibility is at its very least. You have heard my voice before when you tried to call one night. But you never spoke. It was February 25 then. Sentimental I really am! I was cramming for my paper in Film class when you called. I took turns in writing down the basic meat of my paper and in answering your messages. I do not intend to imply anything. I just want you to know that I will never busy for you. And I love every conversation that we had every now and then. Even the one we had earlier.
You purposely turned-off everything. Every possible way that I could reach you. Within just a few minutes, you have rejected my calls for a number of times. You just don’t know how “Sorry, this call is not permitted.” could really hurt… I just wanted to speak to you even for just a short time. Hear your voice. And personally tell you to take care of yourself and that I am just here whenever you need a friend, someone who could lend a shoulder or someone to tap you at the back… I don’t know why you did not want to talk to me. I wish you’d tell me. All I have is the idea that you probably think that I am being stupid with what I am trying to do. And probably with this letter.
I am probably being one.
But again, I don’t regret it.
I just want to let you know that I personally do not want you to leave but I am happy that you cared to tell me. I just wanted to. But you deprived me of the opportunity to do it.
I cried when my male best friend and I had a fight. But the emotion you had just inflicted in me is stronger. Definitely stronger. By the way, his name is Oman… blockmate ni Richard sa La Salle. The one who gave me Richard’s number… Richard who made me know you… I just realized that the best thing that my problem with Oman caused was it made me seek help from others, the way I learned that a certain Charles Ng exists. A 19 year old lad of UST, major in Biology, half-Chinese, eldest among 6 siblings, lover of books, a movie-goer, had one serious relationship before but still a virgin, religious but not very saintly, naughty but definitely nice.
Would indulge in the ‘plunge’ idea.
Would like to have a Playboy model to stay with him if he would ever get stranded in an island.
A man yet a boy.
A good friend and adviser.
Probably the elder brother I would like to have.
A guy… one would wish to have.
I have thought a lot of times what’s best to give you on July 21. One that I could possibly give. One that you’d appreciate. I have thought a lot of times how I would tease you because you are turning twenty pero ‘nilalangaw’ pa rin ang love life mo. That by that significant date you are no longer a teenager. I could still reach you through e-mail but it is the immediate response that I usually get from you is what I am going to miss. The smile or laugh that immediate response could cause. Or probably how your reaction would make my heart skip a beat…
You said I could mail you… Everytime I check my account, my eyes always look for your name. Failing to find it makes me miserable. I can’t force you. After sometime I have learned that I should not expect anything from you. I am glad anyway that you appreciate the forwarded messages. I just hope that this time that you are really miles away, you can e-mail me more often. More personalized messages, I hope. But I doubt it cause you’re being there for a very important reason. Or reasons. Very important that you dared to go there when most definitely won’t. You even told me that you prefer it here than there. It’s obviously a very personal matter. Whatever it is, I won’t force you to tell me. I just hope that I could help. And I want you to know that I am ready to listen. Errr… ready to read for that matter. Cause I just know you won’t call.
You might think that I am freaking out and making such a big fuss out of this. I won’t deny it. I really am. Cause I am tired of being left. You are not the only one who did it to me. Not only by this way. I thought I was numb when it comes to the term ‘leave.’ I thought I was insensitve to hurt.
I was wrong. Definitely wrong.
Bakit ba lahat kayo umaalis?
I am again left with no choice but to accept it. I am again left to the point that I want to shout but I cannot blame anyone. I am left with nothing to do.
But let go.
It is even more difficult because I have to let go of things and persons I am not sure of being mine.
This letter is not definitely helping me. If it does, then I don’t feel it. I simply can’t.
Whatever the worth of this letter is to you I just hope it is good. My mood is probably too heavy. I am trying to make a good laugh out of it, because that is what I am good at as my friends always tell me. But I can’t.
The kind words that u sent did not help. They cannot. Lalo na yung ‘best kind of friend one could ever had’… I would have told you to at least spare me the pain. But you won’t answer my call.
Fine? It is the opposite state of where I am right now.
I just wish you all the luck. Please do take care of yourself. If not for yourself, at least for your family.
I would like to find a way to meet you. Personally.
Sabi mo before, in time you will prove yourself to me. The “I will. I will,” that you have always told me.
Promise me again that you will. Kahit iyon na lang ang ipangako mo…
You are smart, you know that.
I’ll always be here. That, you should know.
Ciao for now…
Please always keep in touch.
Kung ano man yung tunay na context ng ‘have’ para sa ‘yo…
YOU HAVE ME…