What's your favorite disguise? [/meta]
posted by letter shredder @ 11:59 a.m. on 1/20/2006
"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love..."
-- Lester Bangs, Almost Famous
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
For the boys... whom I thought were mine...
When was the last time that we sat and talked together?
When was the last time you played the guitars and I sang with you?
Did we ever have the chance to watch a movie together as a group?
I miss you, guys…
I really do.
The last time we spent time together was last March, Shayne’s debut. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Not because of the party but of the time we spent with each other after the celebration. Bangag!
I cannot forget the flowers that you gave me while I was singing “Stay” during the party. Ang lakas ng trip ninyo! But I really appreciated it. I was not the celebrator but you gave me enough attention. Oman, I give the credits to you. For that, I would like to thank the hired band--that was never better than a videoke machine that’s why we had to take over. If not for your questionable talent, I will not have the chance to sing many times that night!
Prior to that party, I had so much fun when we had some sessions to plan for the debut. RJ, when you asked me to sing “My Immortal,” before we learned what it meant, I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know you trust me that much. I didn’t know you believed in me.
I didn’t know. Coz you didn’t let me know.
Or am I just assuming too much? The invitation was probably just presented because you had no other choices.
I... whom you can ask right away.
I... who can never say no.
I… who cares for Shayne.
Ako na nga lang ba ang natitira?
During the first Saturday that we were suppose to have the practice, I never thought I’d be with all of you. I was the only female with you. We were at your house and you cared to join me wherever you wanted to go. You even drove me home. I sang songs that you wanted me to sing. Songs I wanted to sing. Especially “The Dance” by Barbie’s Cradle.
I saw all of you. Literally. And from another point of view.
Was it just because two years in college changed a part of me?
I beg to disagree.
You treated me equally. But with respect.
I had all the attention. Even if the moment was not for me. We were preparing for someone else. Someone probably more important.
Someone definitely more important.
I was never the damsel in distress. I’ve always been one of the boys. A cowboy.
An absolute meantime girl.
I preferred to be like that. I wanted you to see me that way.
You know that I am always there whenever you need me. You know I am always ready to listen. Eager to help. One who’d cry for you.
Pero bakit hindi ko naramdaman na ganun din kayo sa ’kin?
I am not expecting anything in return. I made myself believe so. I am not asking you to promise. Coz promises are made to be broken.
Friday before the “big day,” we had another chance to spend time together. This time, all were not present. But I enjoyed it. Lesser people means closer rapport. I have not slept properly for a month due to my mid-term exams and papers that had to be passed. I was really exhausted but I tried to get there because I wanted to see you again.
I was able to spend quality time with the family of my high school crush. (Giggles!) His mom even offered me to sleep there because it was late.
I wanted to ask kung tabi kami ng anak nila… (Grin.)
Later, we spent time rehearsing. For a long time I have not sang.
At around 2:00 am, we decided to go somewhere else to eat. We were all tired then. And hungry. Thank you for the treat. Alan, I remembered that CPA again! Chicken Pork Adobo!!!
RJ, you even told me, “Wag magmumura,” in a very polite way. That made me care for you more. Coz only few do that. Only few had the guts. And I like it when someone reminds me what not to do. And what I ought to do.
Wala kasi akong kuya… my biggest frustration.
After eating, we talked about some plans for the summer. That long-drive trip. The reunion that you guys would arrange.
One thing that I can never forget was when RJ told me na okay akong kasama. You never thought someone as “cautious” as me would dare join you even in the most unlikely hours.
Tama ba ang akala ko?
At around 4:00 am, we returned to the house. Alan slept on the mat. You let me enjoy the bed. Alone. I was the princess! Kaya lang, bakit wala akong unan?
At 5:00 am, I woke up and sang for the last few times. Later that day we had to present ourselves in the most decent ways! It was 6 am when you drove me home.
I was so sleepy but I didn’t tuck myself. I want to spend another hour with you.
One thing that I cannot comprehend is that why am I not suppose to tell anyone that you drove me home. As usual, may magagalit na naman.
Bakit ba lagi na lang may nagagalit?
I cannot blame you, though. Maybe if I get myself into a relationship, I would understand. Perfectly understand.
Paano naman kung ako yung meron, at kayo yung wala? Ano kaya ang gagawin ko? Ano kaya ang mararamdaman n’yo?
Definitely, I won’t give you up.
I would introduce him to you and let him know you. That he must not worry even if I sleep with you again. I hope he understands.
I am not asking you to promise me anything. I just want to spend time with you again. All of you. Coz I never did since you had your significant others.
All I want is for you to make me feel that you are there as I am always here for you.
Is that too much?
Miss ko na kayo…
Kelan ba tayo pwedeng mag-jamming ulit?
Kelan tayo pwedeng mag-Tapsilog ulit?