What's your favorite disguise? [/meta]
posted by letter shredder @ 11:59 a.m. on 1/20/2006
"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love..."
-- Lester Bangs, Almost Famous
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
A letter for a lost friend...
Hello! You are probably in HK by the time u read this. Well, I made this the night you told me you were leaving. I just want to tell you a few things. They may not be significant to you but I still hope you get to read them…
I was really surprised when you said you were leaving. To be honest, I never expected that my heart could beat that fast for a reason I certainly do not know. Fear? Sadness? Bombshell? I do not know… but I wish I do. ‘Tomorrow or on Sunday’ was very striking. The more ‘staying there for good’ is.
You got me crying there and then, young man. Crying for me is such a big thing. I have cried for myself, for other people. More or less, a thousand times. And I have mentioned to you before that the ones who could only make me cry are the ones I care for. The most.
Sorry if I am over reacting… a spur of the moment. I even had the idea that it seems funny to you. I’m sorry because right now, while I am typing this letter, I can say that the feeling has just partially subsided. And I have no idea when will it fully end. I am sorry for this might upset you… I really have no idea how you will feel about this.
I am sorry... but I do not regret telling them.
You probably have the idea that I care for you a lot. I have mentioned a lot of times that I do. But as I look at it, the way you shut me off earlier, you are totally clueless of what I really have for you. I think, I also am. But whatever it is, I just hope you appreciate it. That would somehow make me happy. Somehow because it cannot completely make me happy. At least right now.
I wanted to talk to you. I just want to hear your voice because the moment you step out the country, the possibility is at its very least. You have heard my voice before when you tried to call one night. But you never spoke. It was February 25 then. Sentimental I really am! I was cramming for my paper in Film class when you called. I took turns in writing down the basic meat of my paper and in answering your messages. I do not intend to imply anything. I just want you to know that I will never busy for you. And I love every conversation that we had every now and then. Even the one we had earlier.
You purposely turned-off everything. Every possible way that I could reach you. Within just a few minutes, you have rejected my calls for a number of times. You just don’t know how “Sorry, this call is not permitted.” could really hurt… I just wanted to speak to you even for just a short time. Hear your voice. And personally tell you to take care of yourself and that I am just here whenever you need a friend, someone who could lend a shoulder or someone to tap you at the back… I don’t know why you did not want to talk to me. I wish you’d tell me. All I have is the idea that you probably think that I am being stupid with what I am trying to do. And probably with this letter.
I am probably being one.
But again, I don’t regret it.
I just want to let you know that I personally do not want you to leave but I am happy that you cared to tell me. I just wanted to. But you deprived me of the opportunity to do it.
I cried when my male best friend and I had a fight. But the emotion you had just inflicted in me is stronger. Definitely stronger. By the way, his name is Oman… blockmate ni Richard sa La Salle. The one who gave me Richard’s number… Richard who made me know you… I just realized that the best thing that my problem with Oman caused was it made me seek help from others, the way I learned that a certain Charles Ng exists. A 19 year old lad of UST, major in Biology, half-Chinese, eldest among 6 siblings, lover of books, a movie-goer, had one serious relationship before but still a virgin, religious but not very saintly, naughty but definitely nice.
Would indulge in the ‘plunge’ idea.
Would like to have a Playboy model to stay with him if he would ever get stranded in an island.
A man yet a boy.
A good friend and adviser.
Probably the elder brother I would like to have.
A guy… one would wish to have.
I have thought a lot of times what’s best to give you on July 21. One that I could possibly give. One that you’d appreciate. I have thought a lot of times how I would tease you because you are turning twenty pero ‘nilalangaw’ pa rin ang love life mo. That by that significant date you are no longer a teenager. I could still reach you through e-mail but it is the immediate response that I usually get from you is what I am going to miss. The smile or laugh that immediate response could cause. Or probably how your reaction would make my heart skip a beat…
You said I could mail you… Everytime I check my account, my eyes always look for your name. Failing to find it makes me miserable. I can’t force you. After sometime I have learned that I should not expect anything from you. I am glad anyway that you appreciate the forwarded messages. I just hope that this time that you are really miles away, you can e-mail me more often. More personalized messages, I hope. But I doubt it cause you’re being there for a very important reason. Or reasons. Very important that you dared to go there when most definitely won’t. You even told me that you prefer it here than there. It’s obviously a very personal matter. Whatever it is, I won’t force you to tell me. I just hope that I could help. And I want you to know that I am ready to listen. Errr… ready to read for that matter. Cause I just know you won’t call.
You might think that I am freaking out and making such a big fuss out of this. I won’t deny it. I really am. Cause I am tired of being left. You are not the only one who did it to me. Not only by this way. I thought I was numb when it comes to the term ‘leave.’ I thought I was insensitve to hurt.
I was wrong. Definitely wrong.
Bakit ba lahat kayo umaalis?
I am again left with no choice but to accept it. I am again left to the point that I want to shout but I cannot blame anyone. I am left with nothing to do.
But let go.
It is even more difficult because I have to let go of things and persons I am not sure of being mine.
This letter is not definitely helping me. If it does, then I don’t feel it. I simply can’t.
Whatever the worth of this letter is to you I just hope it is good. My mood is probably too heavy. I am trying to make a good laugh out of it, because that is what I am good at as my friends always tell me. But I can’t.
The kind words that u sent did not help. They cannot. Lalo na yung ‘best kind of friend one could ever had’… I would have told you to at least spare me the pain. But you won’t answer my call.
Fine? It is the opposite state of where I am right now.
I just wish you all the luck. Please do take care of yourself. If not for yourself, at least for your family.
I would like to find a way to meet you. Personally.
Sabi mo before, in time you will prove yourself to me. The “I will. I will,” that you have always told me.
Promise me again that you will. Kahit iyon na lang ang ipangako mo…
You are smart, you know that.
I’ll always be here. That, you should know.
Ciao for now…
Please always keep in touch.
Kung ano man yung tunay na context ng ‘have’ para sa ‘yo…
YOU HAVE ME…