What's your favorite disguise? [/meta]
posted by letter shredder @ 11:59 a.m. on 1/20/2006
"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love..."
-- Lester Bangs, Almost Famous
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Beating the Red light
Many times I wonder why I have not fallen for anyone. The last crush whom I could tell anyone was when I was in fourth year high school. Well, I’m also attracted to some guys in UP but I can hardly describe them because the feeling was not more than the mere attraction.
Crush ko ‘pag nakikita ko lang.
On schooldays, I usually find the company of four friends. Si A, formalities na lang ang kulang. Si B, on the stage of diverting attention on other guys. Si C, driven ngayon to achieve her own goals. Si D, nasa stage na kalimutan ang ex na magulo ang utak. As in.
All of them have fallen in love… when we talk about falling, I can hardly speak of anyone or anything. Yan yung mga araw na naglalaglagan kami at nagiging philosophical. Pero after every conversation, babagsak kami sa pagiging ma-drama.
Sabi ko dati, sana magka-prospect na ako. Sabi naman ni B, kung yun lang din ang gusto ko, yung reciprocated na yung hilingin ko. Siguro nga… I agree that it is not easy to fall in love. Lalong hindi kung unrequited.
Pero kahit na masakit, masarap din naman, ‘di ba?
What I want is to experience those feelings that were once familiar to me… well, at least three years ago. I miss the days when I’m eager to see one particular person. It was funny then because I didn’t have to tell some people who he was.
My eyes were enough to speak for me.
Basta iba yung aura ko. Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko. At nararamdaman ko. Those were the days na I would want to spend all my time for school. At kinikilig ako ‘pag nakikita ko ang kumag! Eh ‘di lalo na ‘pag tabi kami ng upuan. At lalo na ‘pag magkausap na kami, kami na lang ‘yung magkausap.
Pakshet! Kelan ba ako huling kinilig?
There were days na lumalapit siya. At nakatingin na lahat ng classmates ko. Kasing haba na ng EDSA ang buhok ko! At halos patayin na ako ng mga kaklase kong may crush din sa kanya. One time nga, wala kaming teacher kaya classmate ko lang ang magrereport, umupo siya dun sa vacant seat sa tabi ko. Halos patayin na ako sa tingin nung reporter sa class. It was one lucky day!
Another kilig event… I had a partner in Research class who happens to be a guy. The teacher asked us to pass separate papers. I reasoned na it was useless since isa lang naman laman ng papers namin.
At ang hirit ko sa teacher, “Sir, conjugal property ‘yan!”
Nagtanong si Sir, ”Why? Are you conjugates?”
At ang kumag ang sumagot, “Hindi!”
Ang lakas ng sagot! To the extent na tumingin lahat sa kanya ang mga classmates ko. And after looking at him, they looked at me.
Well, nahila ko siya sa bull session dati. Ako lang yung babae dun sa session. Which is not really new since I usually hang out with guys during break time.
After we graduated, wala na rin yung feelings. What I have for him is what I have for the other guys who have been really close to me.
Last February pa, nagtigil ako sa bahay nila. Ininwan ako ng pinsan niya sa kanila kasi hahakutin pa ‘yung mga gamit para sa practice ng banda.
I stayed with his family at around 7pm till 10:30pm. His whole family was there then. Usap kami ng ate niya. Nalaman kong he irons his hair. At ang lakas ko talaga sa Nanay nun!
“Jaycee, kumain ka na ba? Dito ka na matulog sa amin.”
I have to suppress my grin. Sasagot sana ako, “Eh tabi po ba kami ng anak ninyo?”
And I remember, nung fourth year eh pinagalitan siya ng Nanay niya dahil hindi niya ako pinadalhan ng mangga. Until now, natatawa pa rin ako.
Tapos ngayon, iba na ang drama ko…
Kasi may prospect na nga ako. I could fall for this guy. At ayokong mangyari yun. We happen to be in the same college. At classmate ko pa sa Film class!
Right now, malabo pa naman. I can say I like him…which is bad.
Because almost everything begins with liking!
Kahapon naman, I saw him pero wala namang epekto. Meron lang akong urge na batiin siya.
I’m not really certain. Basta ngayon, I have to beat the Red light!