What's your favorite disguise? [/meta]

posted by letter shredder @ 11:59 a.m. on 1/20/2006

"Great art is about conflict and pain and guilt and longing and love disguised as sex and sex disguised as love..."
                                          -- Lester Bangs, Almost Famous



Thursday, October 16, 2003

Advice Column

posted by letter shredder at 2:27 PM

This is the advice column I had for Journ 121. Therese was the sender of those forsaken letters and here are the reactions I wrote down. The section was included in our magazine-Slum, which is more dubbed as ‘Coup Mag’ in the college.

Dear Tita Jaycee,

First of all, I would like to say that I have always been an admirer of your great body, of work. You have inspired people to look their best, to feel their best, to be their best. That is why I have decided to write to you about my problem. You see, Tita, I am flat chested. It is an embarrassing fact I’ve tried to disguise with socks and rolls of tissue paper. But I don’t know how long I could keep up with this practice. Natatakoy ako, Tita, paano if one of these days, magkamali ako na flatten ‘yung isang side? Takot din naman ako magpa-surgery. So can you recommend any special exercise pampa-improve ng figure ko? Yung magwo-work within a month, kasi ikakasal na ako and I want to please my boyfriend. I’ve tried expanding and contracting my chest by swinging my arms forward and backward, while saying “I must, I must, I must increase my bust!” Matagl ko na ong ginagawa ito, every morning after shaving my stubborn bigotilyo. But wala pa rin po akong boobs. Tita, what should I do?

Sincerely,
Mr. Suave

Dear Mr. Suaveng walang boobs (I have an inevitable habit of rubbing it in),
I will be honest that I cannot relate to your problem, and I am proud that I don’t. While reading your letter, I remembered my gay friends confiding the same problems. After reading, I was not surprised that you are a “mister” having issues with your boobs. The chant you use is incomplete. You just probably watched or heard that from a friend. It should be followed by the “The bigger the better the boys will love.” I have not tried that, I didn’t have to, but I think you should try it with the exercise while your mind and soul are free from trouble. You may also try eating a lot of potatoes. The cooked ones, my dear! Many dishes are served with potato. Try eating them and if your boyfriend wonders why you eat so much lately, tell him it’s not just for your “future” but for both of you and that you are more concerned with his than yours.
If you have enough resources you can go for breast implant. If you don’t have enough courage to do that and you are too afraid that one day they might just pop out, you may find brassieres with fake breasts made out of silicon gels, they even have better nipples.
You are soon to be married and your boyfriend has not find out how many rolls of tissue paper go to the bin after you go out with him. What a complete gentleman! I advise you to tell him what your problem is before you exchange vows. That way you will find out if he really loves the real you. Be honest and be ready for whatever happens.

Dear Tita Jaycee,

Hindi po ako makapagpigil. You have to know, Tita, that I am in love with you. Hindi pa kita nakikita, butr nababasa ko ang articles mo, and I always say, “Man! I love this woman.” Kaya this is an invitation. Magtanan na tayo. I’ll be waiting sa may Luneta, tatabihn ko si kumpareng Rizal. Meet me there. Or else.

Lovingly yours,
Fathur Rohman Al-Ghozi

I am not elated by that letter of yours. I am immune to those since I was in kindergarten. But I will be honest that it made me kilig kaya I was making pungay my eyes while I was reading it. I read it about a hundred times one night, kaya may kulani na ‘yung mga mata ko because I cannot stop batting them.
However, it is too late for me to do anything about your feelings towards me and mine towards you. By the time your letter gets published, you are already in Indonesia, peacefully with your beloved ones. Granted that you really are that dead man sent to Indonesia. I was thinking that your age won’t matter, and I am proud to have you as Rizal’s kumpare.
Tough luck, we were not given the chance to be together. You found me. I found you. I thought I found forever. But then, the military also found you (sniff). I have no choice but to move on and just pray for your soul.

Dear Tita Jaycee,

For years, I’ve been trying to get in touch with my true parents, but they don’t know that I’m their long lost daughter. Heto po kasi ‘yung aking istorya—Ipinanganak po ako sa isang rich family, but by some stupid mistake, naibigay po ako sa poor family. Yung anak ngpoor family, naibigay sa poor family ko. I think it was the nurse who switched us, but I’ve forgiven her long ago na. Ang gusto ko na lang poi mangyari, ay makilala ako ng aking tunay na magulang. I know I’m rather rambling here, but I’m desperate. I’ve longed for my parents for eighteen years already.

Sincerely,
The real KC Concepcion

At first I though it was Mara del Valle who wrote to me.
It is indeed a misfortune that you were switched to a poor family. You probably cry over the television set when you see your mother’s advertisement and those of the “fake” KC Concepcion especially when the latter says, “My mom raised me well.” You might even be the one who has the opportunity to study abroad and swimming in bathtubs full of intimate wash.
But try to think about it, you enjoy enough privacy that you have right now. And in case you already have a boyfriend, you don’t have to deny your relationship and meet behind the bush to talk to him.
I am proud of you that you have forgiven the nurse whom you guess switched you. Your ‘mom’ probably raised you well, too. And not just through intimate wash. By now, be sure to know what you really want to happen after telling your real parents who you are and what might happen after they find out. If they do not want to believe you, you may always try the DNA testing, as what all telenovelas suggest. And your story is not really different from them. If you cannot think of anything to say or do, find ways to watch Mara Clara again so you will be armed with striking lines when you talk to your parents. I just hope you don’t find an ‘Anton’ as a boyfriend. Try asking your uncles, you may also have a Tito Cardo who keeps a diary and a necklace that was supposed to be yours.

Dear Tita Jaycee,
I am a twenty-something guy, upwardly mobile, well-rounded, gorgeous. I work in an ad agency somewhere in Makati, and I am about to be promoted to vice-presidency my problem is this: I am in love with this woman, and I think she is also in love with me. But, it’s my lola… ayaw pa niya akong paligawan. What should I do?

Yours truly,
Problematically in love

To you who is upwardly mobile, well-rounded and gorgeous who works in Makati pero hindi pa pwedeng magpaligaw,

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…


If you want to have some pieces of advice to keep you sane, errrr…I think, email those problems to your Tita Jaycee at iceboxace@yahoo.com.

0 revealed their disguise